If we suspect or learn that someone we work with is self-harming, it can be stressful and difficult to come to terms with. We are often worried that we will make the situation worse by asking. People who self-harm often report that they do not mind being asked, if the person asking is sensitive and is trying to understand. Avoiding the subject might cause the person to believe that they cannot talk to you about their self-harm and this could increase feelings of stress, guilt and loneliness. Instead, let the person know that you are willing to talk about it. However, it is important to follow their lead. Respect their space and let them know that they can start a conversation about it when they feel ready.

When starting a conversation about self-harm, it is helpful to pick a time when you know that you will have plenty of time to talk. Self-harm can be very hard to talk about, so having enough time to give the person space to think will make the conversation easier. We can’t always control when someone might want to speak to us about self-harm, and sometimes they might ask to speak to you at a time when you can’t give them enough of your time. The person you are supporting might open up about their self-harm in a way that doesn’t allow time for a full conversation as a way to keep themselves safe. It’s completely natural to feel like you should drop everything to have this conversation in the moment, but that is not always practical or appropriate. In cases like this, it’s important to assure the person that you are interested in what they have to say, but you want to make sure that you have time to give them the attention they deserve. You can then arrange a time that suits you both to have a conversation. This will help the person to know that you care and want to dedicate time to them.

It’s important to create a safe space for the person to talk to you about self-harm. It is helpful to try and find a space that is private and where you will not be disturbed. The space can be at your workplace, in the community or anywhere else that the person might feel safe and comfortable. Involving the person in choosing where would make them feel comfortable will reassure them that you are serious about listening to them and their needs.

It’s important in a conversation about self-harm that we are there to listen. This is a chance for the person to open up about what is happening in their life at the moment. You might be the first person they have spoken to about self-harm, so it is important for them to feel heard. Listening to their reasoning can also help you put things into perspective and be more understanding towards them.

When we are talking to people about self-harm we often, understandably, want to ask a lot of questions. Try not to jump in and take control, or ask too many questions. Instead, let the person talk, and they will most likely cover your questions anyway. Ask them what they need from you, and listen to their needs.

During a conversation about self-harm you might experience a range of emotions, such as shock, denial, anger, frustration and potentially even guilt. However, being confrontational, judgemental or overly emotional might make the situation worse. It is important to try to remain calm. Try and imagine what the person might feel like when they are opening up to you about their self-harm. They are trying to cope with their feelings and this time needs to be about them and not about yourself. This does not mean that you have to internalise your feelings and thoughts, so please make sure you have appropriate support networks in place to help you cope with the situation.

Having long, face-to-face conversations about self-harm can be very difficult for some people. It can be helpful to talk to the person about other ways that they can communicate with you. You might want to text each other, leave notes for each other or send emails or voice notes. This allows time for both sides to read or listen to the message and reflect on it before sending a response. It can also feel less intimidating to the person as it sometimes is easier to write down how we are feeling. It can also help you as a professional, as you do not have to worry about your initial reaction.

When having conversations about self-harm, we often want to fix things right away. Remember that self-harm is an emotionally sensitive subject and the person might not feel comfortable, or be able, to open up right away. They might not know why they self-harm, what triggers their self-harm or what they want to do about their self-harm. Good communication is important but it is equally as important to know when to step away and give the person some space. This will help them to make sense of their thoughts and allow them to reflect on what has been happening. Remember that this is just the first conversation on their recovery journey, so don’t get disheartened when things aren’t fixed straight away.

Wanting someone to stop self-harming is extremely natural and many people do stop self-harming with the right support. However, this can take time as it usually requires a “trial and error” process for the person to find which ways of coping work for them and which ones do not. Although it may be difficult for us to know that someone is harming themselves, it is important to remember that the self-harm is a coping strategy for them. Taking their coping strategy away will not solve the problem, it will only take away their way of coping with what is happening in their life. This might increase feelings of guilt and lead to more distress for the person.

This might be support for the person self-harming or for yourself. Some people find it easier to open up to someone who is not involved in their daily life. Make sure to talk about this option with the person and confirm that they are happy to take this step. This does not mean that they are never going to talk to you about their self-harm and feelings, but it might offer them a safe space to talk about it for the first time. You might also wish to seek support for yourself. Supporting someone who self-harms can be overwhelming and it is important to look after yourself as well. It might feel “wrong” to do this as you might feel you have to focus all your attention on the other person, but it is absolutely okay and necessary to look after your own wellbeing too. Our Looking After Yourself resource has information on how to keep yourself safe and well while you are supporting someone who self-harms.